constellation

When I was young, I wanted to be a ballerina. I rode horses, raised stray animals, and picked wildflowers, wandering endlessly in vast spaces.

I had near limitless freedom, and no concept it was special, or eventually would be. Even so, I marveled at the enormity of the sky, whether it was painted blue by day, or sprayed with constellations when blackness overtook it.

I felt the ground under my feet, and the air on my skin. I explored with my senses. Somehow, I knew I was connected to the world in a special way, even in the simplicity of breathing. I know what it feels like to have nothing around you, and everything at the same time. I wish everyone could experience that version of the world.

I eventually found a path that led to other places, but my understanding of the world forged in childhood has never left me. That version of me still exists; I still know her. I am her, and she is me, and we are every version of us that ever was, or ever will be.

The path I have taken is mine alone. It is rarely understood, sometimes discouraged, and often criticized, but it is my own. It is guided by my desire to know myself and the world better. There is so much I still need to learn and understand. I sometimes wonder if I will have enough time to do justice to this gift of life. I wonder if I get distracted from the main quest, the one we all share, the one that is supposed to make the world better.

I can admit the state of things sometimes scares me. The entirety of knowledge and opportunity is literally in our hands, and yet we look down, not up. We are pushed towards unattainable ideals, and told if we have more, we will be more. We are lured in the direction of vanity and materialism, striving for an unachievable norm that is more a form of sickness and weakness, than a sense of real purpose.

If the weight of it can be lifted and our gaze tilted, I know we can find a way to embrace our own uniqueness and revive our appreciation of the world, and others, no matter how different we are. We can find a way to feel the air, and see the sky, and just…breathe.

The road ends for each of us, eventually, even if the quest is unfinished, and the questions are unanswered. Somehow, the journey will still be complete, and we will each leave behind all the versions of who we were, like a constellation of bright shining lights filling the night sky.