the list

I do this thing where I say their names in my head. Sometimes I go back and start over because I forgot the order or missed one. I say their names over, and over, so I don’t forget them. I want to remember.

The names are people I knew who have passed away in the last several years. They are people I cared about; people who shaped who I am. The list was already too long, and then four more beautiful souls joined them last year.

I have had to learn a lot about grief and grieving, but I don’t think it really gets easier. I imagine them all as my spirit guides, and I tell myself they are still with me. I sometimes ask for their strength, energy and guidance. Even though I can’t prove it, I believe some essence or impression of them remains here with us...with me.

I guess that’s what faith is, or maybe it is just my way of coping.  

Grief feels like a long road with no destination. Every person who has ever lost someone is tending to the hole in their heart and their life. They walk down that road and try to find their own way. There is no right way.

During a hard time in my life my mum told me she thinks I am like her. She said we fall to our knees, but we get back up again. She believes we have an inherited resilience, and I choose to lean into the idea. She believes if generational trauma can be passed on, so can generational resilience. Maybe some of that energy comes from those we have lost. We stand up and look for the path forward. We do our best.

One day I will come to the end of this road and people will miss me. Hopefully some part of me will stay with the those I have left behind. Maybe I will be reunited with the others. Maybe I will finally have all the answers. Maybe I will understand.

In the meantime, I say their names.